Imagine my surprise this morning when I got an IM that says "Have you seen this?" And there was a link to this blog, my blog, right there in the little chat window.
I was chatting with my best friend, Y.
My initial reaction was to pretend I hadn't seen it, much less wrote it, but I knew he didn't believe me. He let me pretend, just as I'd have let him. However, he's not even remotely stupid. He knows me so very well. The way I write and the things I say and how I think. We arranged to have lunch today and I decided I'd just tell him in person. I wanted it to be a face to face discussion with eye contact and all.
So we have lunch and I keep thinking, ok, I'm going to just bring it up. But I didn't. I don't know why. I was there, sitting across from this person who I feel the most comfortable being totally me with, who doesn't ever judge me, who totally just gets me (and vice versa) AND with whom I've shared some of the best ever sexual experiences of my life ----and I didn't know how to just bust out with the truth! There were quite a few pregnant pauses. It was a little surreal, since I knew he knew I knew he knew. One of the things I love so much about Y is that he didn't pressure me about it at all. He just cooly pointed out to me that's he'd read it and that was that. He knew that when I was ready I'd spill. Exactly the way I'd have handled it, if the tables were turned.
So after lunch, we're sitting in my car and I'm still not spilling. And all this time elapses. We're yakking at each other, as we're wont to do, but he's got to get back to work and I know this and I know I have to SAY SOMETHING. But there is no one on earth I like kissing more than Y, and I wanted a kiss first before I came out with it, in case when I did tell him he was so horrified at me that he never wanted another kiss. I'm so silly sometimes.
So I get my lovely kiss and then take a deep breath and I look right at him and say, "So you're quite the Sherlock Holmes." And he starts to laugh. And so then I told him about how I knew he didn't believe me earlier, and how I knew that if anyone was going to find the blog and recognize it was me it would have been him. So I talked and talked and he sat and listened and smiled, and finally I stopped and said, "Are you judging me? Um..." And he said something to the effect of "God no, of course not. I think it's....hot." And then he grinned at me like he does and smooched me some more.
I'm really so very pleased and totally relieved to have had that conversation. If I planned to continue the charade with him I would have had to have taken great pains to never reveal anything even remotely personal ever again, just to make sure he definitely didn't really think it was me. I would have felt like I had to censor myself. Also, I've always been totally honest with him about everything, and I have felt pretty strange about keeping this secret from him anyway. I should have known it would have been ok to discuss with him.
Life can be so weird and good sometimes.
What Is This?
An online diary including details about my former secret life as an escort, and current musings about what it's like to live inside my head.
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