Monday, August 9

I had a conversation with my boyfriend the other day regarding our sex life, or, to be more specific, our lack of a sex life. I brought up to him how I frequently find porn in the VCR and how I occasionally have walked in on him masturbating, so it isn't as if sex is the absolute furthest thing from his mind. I've been starting to assume that since he rarely seems interested in having sex with me, he must be sleeping with someone else. It would be ok if that was the case, I told him, I'd just rather have him not feel he needs to hide it from me. He denied having anything going on that he's not telling me about. He claims that we having timing issues--he's always tired when I want to have sex, and when he's not tired, I'm working and he doesn't want to interrupt me. I told him that his seeming lack of interest in me makes me feel unattractive, unsexy, and generally undesirable. I suggested that the next time he's actually horny, instead of popping in a porn tape or going solo, he should interrupt me, regardless of whether I'm working in my office or not. I told him it would make me feel wanted. He said he would. He hasn't yet.

It wasn't a bad conversation. He seemed relieved to be having it. He said he was glad we were talking about it. But we've had this conversation before, numerous times in fact, and it never seems to make much difference in the way things work. Most of the time I'm resigned that the way things are is how they are, and how they will always be. But once in a while I have a glimmer of hope that perhaps if I just figure out a different way to talk about it things will change. I know he loves me and he knows I love him too. He was very careful to keep reminding me of this during our discussion. But it's sad to me to have so much love, yet so little desire and no way to fix it.