Wednesday, December 1

This morning my boyfriend went off on a trip early, and when I woke up I was alone. I sleep naked, and when I got out of bed I caught my reflection in the mirror. Normally I don't spend too much time looking at myself in mirrors, but this morning since I had some privacy I paused and looked at my nude body. It was strange because usually when I do look at myself, I'm feeling critical and just seeing my individual flaws. But today I didn't do that at all. I just stood there and saw the whole of myself and felt content. Sure I'm far from what anyone would call perfect, but that's okay and I felt beautiful today for the first time in a long time. It affected my whole day--made me sort of daydreamy and even a bit aroused, I should admit. I masturbated (something I rarely do during the day) and thought about how a certain person's eyes look while he's doing exquisite things to me with his mouth and fingers. Afterwards I thought about longing and how it's not always such a bad thing. Not always having what you want makes you appreciate it so much more when you finally do.

I think perhaps I'm a much more patient person than I usually give myself credit for being.

I have a laptop, and it's never occurred to me before to bring it into my bedroom. I believe I'd write a lot more if I did it sitting on my bed. My office just doesn't bring out my creative spirit anymore. Since it's such a mess right now I try to spend as little time in there as I possibly can, so when my work is done, I'm out of there. My laptop is usually in my living room, and while I feel comfortable surfing the net in there, I don't feel comfortable writing there. It's something about having an audience, I think.

I'm sitting on my bed right now. It's nice. Even though they say you shouldn't have electronic equipment in a place you're supposed to just sleep and have sex in, I'm not much for rules. And there hasn't been much non-solo sex in my bedroom for a long time anyway, so I don't think this is going to make much of a difference. But like they also say, this too shall pass. Someday I'll have a bedroom with a fire in it. I just feel sure about that.