Tuesday, August 31

I've never been a huge fan of computer games or even particularly good at them, but I have to say that recently I've found a game so addicting that I'm practically compelled to play it. I have a total burning desire to finally beat the game and it's ridiculous. My boyfriend, who never spends any time sitting in front of a computer, played it for 6 hours last night. It's called Zuma Deluxe. Woe to those who fall into it's time sucking trap.

Jack and Joe say to find a lover all I have to do is whip up a Craiglist's post and problem solved. Ha! It's not that easy. I've used Craigslist before and sure, I'd get hundreds of responses. I've even met some really neat people that way, but wading through all the frogs to find a prince is just so exhausting and time consuming. It's not random casual sex I have a problem finding (that's certainly simple enough when you've got two X chromosomes), it's connecting with someone who wants more than just a no-strings-attached fuck that's tough. I miss having someone in my life that looks forward to seeing me just as much as I look forward to seeing them. A lover, not a lay. I'm definitely not despondent about this, I'm just noting that I feel a little wistful about it, that's all.

On another note, yes, I could do a weekly chat with interested blog reader parties but I wasn't all that pleased with the java chat applet I'd installed originally so I'll investigate other options and let y'all know when I've found something that hopefully works better than what I had.

Monday, August 30

I've decided I'm going to write something, anything, every morning this week, and hopefully that'll pull me out of my current writer's block, or at least put me back in the habit. I'm not promising anything fascinating.

I ran into my neighbor before the weekend while out getting an iced coffee and he asked me if I'd like to dog sit for him over the weekend. I asked him what that entailed. He said just walking her and making sure she had food and water. Being that this dog is a really adorable young cocker spaniel and I thought it would be fun, I agreed. It was amusing for the most part, except when I went to check on her one last time before her family was due home and found she'd had a field day with an economy size package of paper towels in the kitchen where she was staying. Imagine my disbelief and dismay upon opening up the kitchen door and finding 12 rolls of paper towels shredded all over the kitchen and her looking at me quite guiltily. Now I remember why I have a cat and not a dog.

Every year I make Christmas gifts for my friends and family, and each year it's something different. I usually start in September and it takes me up until the middle of December to get the gifts finished. Some past years I've done hand-knitted mittens, gorgeous angels (and I'm touched whenever I see one of my angels sitting atop a Christmas tree), homemade soaps, and jewelry. I haven't decided yet what the plan is this year. I should have a new project figured out some time this week so I can be on schedule.

I miss having a lover. I do have a friend I've seen every now and then over the past couple months, but he's a busy guy and I know I'm just an afterthought. We got together last week and had what basically amounted to an unsatisfying for me quickie. If physiology were opposite, and it was easier for women to get off then men, I wonder how the world would be different if most women could (and did) just climb on top of a man, bounce up and down for 2 minutes and have an orgasm, and then just dismount and say thanks, leaving the man lying there while she washes up in the bathroom?

Wednesday, August 25

Indeed I've been on a vacation of sorts. I will admit that I've been slightly depressed and therefore have had nothing to say, and I've avoided even looking at the blog and reading the comments on the last post. I just really didn't want to deal with it. I didn't want to address anyone's remarks. I didn't want to think about it all. I've been in avoidance mode. That happens sometimes and I'm well aware is not necessarily the best way to handle things, but it's a defense mechanism and it's something I'm working on. I guess I'm ready to talk now, the problem is I'm not sure what to talk about.

Monday, August 9

I had a conversation with my boyfriend the other day regarding our sex life, or, to be more specific, our lack of a sex life. I brought up to him how I frequently find porn in the VCR and how I occasionally have walked in on him masturbating, so it isn't as if sex is the absolute furthest thing from his mind. I've been starting to assume that since he rarely seems interested in having sex with me, he must be sleeping with someone else. It would be ok if that was the case, I told him, I'd just rather have him not feel he needs to hide it from me. He denied having anything going on that he's not telling me about. He claims that we having timing issues--he's always tired when I want to have sex, and when he's not tired, I'm working and he doesn't want to interrupt me. I told him that his seeming lack of interest in me makes me feel unattractive, unsexy, and generally undesirable. I suggested that the next time he's actually horny, instead of popping in a porn tape or going solo, he should interrupt me, regardless of whether I'm working in my office or not. I told him it would make me feel wanted. He said he would. He hasn't yet.

It wasn't a bad conversation. He seemed relieved to be having it. He said he was glad we were talking about it. But we've had this conversation before, numerous times in fact, and it never seems to make much difference in the way things work. Most of the time I'm resigned that the way things are is how they are, and how they will always be. But once in a while I have a glimmer of hope that perhaps if I just figure out a different way to talk about it things will change. I know he loves me and he knows I love him too. He was very careful to keep reminding me of this during our discussion. But it's sad to me to have so much love, yet so little desire and no way to fix it.

It's been a while since I've written anything I've actually spent any time thinking about, and I'm starting to miss doing it. I think what's been holding me back is that most of what I've been thinking about lately has something to do with feeling vulnerable and I don't generally feel comfortable discussing the details of that. It makes me feel weak and whiny and clingy and I hate the thought of anyone viewing me like that. Oh, I can't talk about those fears, I think to myself. No, I can't go on about how this particular situation makes me feel, I say in my head. So I get a little paralyzed in front of my keyboard and that stresses me since this is supposed to be an outlet for me, afterall, and I shouldn't worry about stuff like perception.

And now it's very late, and I thought I had more to say on this subject, but I guess I should probably go to bed. Perhaps I'll lie awake for a while thinking about it, and with any luck I'll be able to articulate better in the morning.

Wednesday, August 4

An old friend I hadn't seen since college hunted me down and found me yesterday. What a surprise! We talked and I found it amusing as well as interesting that our recollection of certain events and people are totally different. Personally I think my memories are the right ones, and his are wrong, but of course that's what I think.

I'm finally feeling more or less healthy again, after a bout with strep throat. Thank god for antibiotics. Now of course it's starting to be ragweed season and I want to itch my eyes out of my head, but I'll take that over a sore throat any day.

I wish I had some interesting sex tidbits to report, however, my recent ill health has definitely put a damper on my sex life. Perhaps now that I'm back to my old self again I can make something interesting happen.

Monday, August 2

I hate my cable company. Due to an error on the part of my cable company, I've been without internet access since last week. The experience has been pretty infuriating, to say the least. But I'm back now, so things around here should be back to normal very soon. Real posts and everything. Imagine that?