This morning my boyfriend went off on a trip early, and when I woke up I was alone. I sleep naked, and when I got out of bed I caught my reflection in the mirror. Normally I don't spend too much time looking at myself in mirrors, but this morning since I had some privacy I paused and looked at my nude body. It was strange because usually when I do look at myself, I'm feeling critical and just seeing my individual flaws. But today I didn't do that at all. I just stood there and saw the whole of myself and felt content. Sure I'm far from what anyone would call perfect, but that's okay and I felt beautiful today for the first time in a long time. It affected my whole day--made me sort of daydreamy and even a bit aroused, I should admit. I masturbated (something I rarely do during the day) and thought about how a certain person's eyes look while he's doing exquisite things to me with his mouth and fingers. Afterwards I thought about longing and how it's not always such a bad thing. Not always having what you want makes you appreciate it so much more when you finally do.
I think perhaps I'm a much more patient person than I usually give myself credit for being.
I have a laptop, and it's never occurred to me before to bring it into my bedroom. I believe I'd write a lot more if I did it sitting on my bed. My office just doesn't bring out my creative spirit anymore. Since it's such a mess right now I try to spend as little time in there as I possibly can, so when my work is done, I'm out of there. My laptop is usually in my living room, and while I feel comfortable surfing the net in there, I don't feel comfortable writing there. It's something about having an audience, I think.
I'm sitting on my bed right now. It's nice. Even though they say you shouldn't have electronic equipment in a place you're supposed to just sleep and have sex in, I'm not much for rules. And there hasn't been much non-solo sex in my bedroom for a long time anyway, so I don't think this is going to make much of a difference. But like they also say, this too shall pass. Someday I'll have a bedroom with a fire in it. I just feel sure about that.
What Is This?
An online diary including details about my former secret life as an escort, and current musings about what it's like to live inside my head.
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