This morning my boyfriend went off on a trip early, and when I woke up I was alone. I sleep naked, and when I got out of bed I caught my reflection in the mirror. Normally I don't spend too much time looking at myself in mirrors, but this morning since I had some privacy I paused and looked at my nude body. It was strange because usually when I do look at myself, I'm feeling critical and just seeing my individual flaws. But today I didn't do that at all. I just stood there and saw the whole of myself and felt content. Sure I'm far from what anyone would call perfect, but that's okay and I felt beautiful today for the first time in a long time. It affected my whole day--made me sort of daydreamy and even a bit aroused, I should admit. I masturbated (something I rarely do during the day) and thought about how a certain person's eyes look while he's doing exquisite things to me with his mouth and fingers. Afterwards I thought about longing and how it's not always such a bad thing. Not always having what you want makes you appreciate it so much more when you finally do.
I think perhaps I'm a much more patient person than I usually give myself credit for being.
I have a laptop, and it's never occurred to me before to bring it into my bedroom. I believe I'd write a lot more if I did it sitting on my bed. My office just doesn't bring out my creative spirit anymore. Since it's such a mess right now I try to spend as little time in there as I possibly can, so when my work is done, I'm out of there. My laptop is usually in my living room, and while I feel comfortable surfing the net in there, I don't feel comfortable writing there. It's something about having an audience, I think.
I'm sitting on my bed right now. It's nice. Even though they say you shouldn't have electronic equipment in a place you're supposed to just sleep and have sex in, I'm not much for rules. And there hasn't been much non-solo sex in my bedroom for a long time anyway, so I don't think this is going to make much of a difference. But like they also say, this too shall pass. Someday I'll have a bedroom with a fire in it. I just feel sure about that.
I'm not sure how it was possible, but on Friday night I fell alseep on a couch in the middle of a poker party. There were at least 25 adults and another 15 children there, and somehow in the midst of the cacophony, I just passed out. Totally sober, mind you. Someone was kind enough to put a quilt on me. My boyfriend says I wasn't snoring, which is a good thing.
Yesterday my friend Y and his wife came over, and I taught him how to knit while his wife did some work. Watching a man knit is weirdly sexy. I kind of wanted to fling the yarn and needles on the floor and sit on his lap, but the wife wouldn't have approved so I controlled myself.
Speaking of sexy stuff, there's not much to report on. (Obviously, if knitting can get me hot and bothered. Ha. ) My boyfriend has continued to display pretty much complete disinterest in sex with me, which is par for the course. But since this is how it's been forever, I'm fairly resigned this is just how it is and is going to be. Despite the continuing lack of sex together, we've been getting along very well. Funny how that works. I guess I'll just look forward to the rare occasions when I get to have connected and passionate sex with a friend, instead of beating myself up about the fact that my boyfriend doesn't seem to want me. It's lazy, I know.
Someone commented that I have a responsibility to post regularly. Bah, I say. I'm not fond of responsibilities and I don't agree with that viewpoint. If I have something to say, I'll post, and if I don't, I won't. If everyone stops reading entirely, then so be it. I don't want to come across as if I don't give a hoot about my readers, but I do not feel as though I have some kind of responsibility to keep them entertained.
I'm not huge fan of the holidays. I think it stems from growing up in a house where there was never enough money, and plenty of anger, and the combo made for tension filled and very bleak 'celebrations.' Now that I'm an adult and I have actual control over my life, I don't have that same sense of sheer despair, but if I could just skip the next month and have it be mid-January, that would be perfectly fine with me.
I had a pretty relaxing and pleasant Thanksgiving. Last year was the first time my boyfriend and I decided to forgo doing the family dinner thing, and I cooked the meal and had it here at my house. We had a friend join us and had not only the most delicious Thanksgiving meal I'd ever had, but the most stress-free one, too. We decided to leisurely head over to his parent's house for dessert and to see everyone for a bit. It worked out so well for us that we decided to do the same thing this year and I'm so glad. Seeing family isn't nearly as stressful when it's in a small dessert sized dose!
Today I'm going to avoid going anywhere near any stores since the idea of trying to find parking and getting involved in the fray of crazed bargain hunters appeals about to me about as much as being smacked in the head with a brick. I just don't understand why anyone would want to deal with that. I'm going to work on some crafts instead.
Obviously I'm not dead. You guys are too much.
GO RED SOX!
I'm leaving today for a brief vacation and just wanted to let everyone know in advance that while I'm going to bring my laptop with me, chances are I won't be posting this week.
For you fellow Survivor fans, yes, I was indeed shocked that bitch Mia was sent off the island. I thought for sure that Twila was all done. Apparently Lisa must have come to her senses. Thank goodness, too, for I don't know if I'd have been able to stand listening to Mia's big mouth any longer.
I cheated the other night before the concert. I ate a cannoli. And man oh man, was it good! If any of you ever find yourself in the North End of Boston, do stop in to Mike's Pastries. I'm afraid to step on the scale to see if I gained 5 lbs by being naughty. I don't even care all that much if I did, but I'd rather be blissfully ignorant than know for sure.
I'm going to be spending my Friday evening with my boyfriend and his his best friend and his girlfriend. I get a real kick out of the best friend, but can live without the girlfriend. She's a nanny and we don't have very much in common at all. There are certain people I feel I have to almost sanitize myself when they're around and she is one of them. It's too bad one can't choose the significant others of their favorite people.
So I screwed up and haven't written anything in two days. I have, however, seen Pearl Jam twice in the past two days so at least I sort of have somewhat of an excuse. The shows were done as a benefit for the West Memphis 3 as well as serving as a warm up for the upcoming Vote for Change Tour. Whenever Pearl Jam plays within a 500 mile radius I try to get to see them. I keep waiting for them to disappoint me and they never do. The past couple of nights were no exception--take no prisoners rock 'n roll. Last night they played Present Tense for me, even! It's one of my favorite songs.
Present Tense - Pearl Jam
do you see the way that tree bends?
does it inspire?
leaning out to catch the sun's rays
a lesson to be applied
are you getting something out of this all encompassing trip?
you can spend your time alone, redigesting past regrets, oh
or you can come to terms and realize
you're the only one who can't forgive yourself, oh
makes much more sense to live in the present tense
have you ideas on how this life ends?
checked your hands and studied the lines
have you the belief that the road ahead ascends off into the
seems that needlessly it's getting harder
to find an approach and a way to live
are we getting something out of this all-encompassing trip?
you can spend your time alone redigesting past regrets, oh
or you can come to terms and realize
you're the only one who cannot forgive yourself, oh
makes much more sense to live in the present tense
Rest assured I'm not going to appear on any talk shows. They're all about creating conflict and drama because that is what makes high ratings. I know they don't care about their guests or what light they wind up portraying them in. I'm not about to get sucked in due to vanity. I do find it amusing that a show would even try to get me to appear, considering how important it is for me to not expose myself like that.
Painful confession time. I watch Survivor. Religiously. I never miss one. If I'm going to be out on a Thursday night, I make sure to tape it. I realize that people are laughing at me as they read this and I don't even care. My friends give me a hard time because if they happen to be over when it's on I only allow them to talk during the commercials. I'm a Survivor Nazi. I haven't decided who I'd like to win this season since it's just started, but Brady the FBI agent is smoking hot. I hope he turns out to be a sweetie, too.
Parts of this blog are going to be published in an actual book. It's an anthology of sex blogs. I'm psyched. More details to follow.
And ha, I just got an email from the producer of Montel William's show. She wants me to call her at my earliest convenience. I can't imagine. I don't think it would be such a great thing for my anonyminity to be appearing on Montel. Maybe they'd let me go on in a big wig and huge sunglasses and use one of those machines to disguise my voice. Somehow I doubt it though.
After a brief foray into redheadedness (which I did not like at all), I'm back to being a brunette. It's funny how even though I never like my hair when I color it, after several years I forget how much I hate it when I do it and still do it anyway. Probably if I was supposed to be blonde or red I'd have been born that way.
I've been feeling a bit self-conscious about my body lately and that's sort of disconcerting and somewhat inhibiting, too. I'm still dieting and have lost most of the weight I'd gained since the last time I dieted. While I'm pleased about that, and I definitely look better with my clothes on, I'm waiting for my skin to catch up and shrink too. I'm particularly unhappy about my breasts. Not only do they feel kind of weird to me, but they're definitely not looking all that fabulous these days, either. I know that in a few months they'll catch up and be ok again, but the waiting part is tough. People don't think about that, really, how even though you can go through all sorts of hard work to lose a bunch of fat, you actually wind up looking worse without your clothes. The last few times I've been naked with anyone besides my boyfriend, I've felt the need to point out and explain these body flaws and that's just a weird thing to do. I need to figure out a way to get over this and soon. Being self-conscious isn't the usual thing for me and I don't like it one bit.